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Have you been abroad recently? The unnatural ways and pump-inducing foods of foreigners are rife, and a cup of tea works out to about a hundred quid. So forget the Red Sea and the Maldives, it's a Dive Holiday in Britland for you this year.

Luckily, what you lose in facile stereotypes you gain in freezing your nips off with a bunch of fat blokes in drysuits. Still not enough for your needy, grasping little hands? Are you already filling a bath with mephedrone to alleviate the boredom? Well that's why I've crushed up a pure and slightly adulterated guide to Making UK Dive Trips More Foreign, and then chopped it out into these easily inhalable tips.
Dive Worldwide
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Step 1: Leaving Home

Fill your bag with Factor 96 suncream, six thousand Imodium tablets, proper English tea, chips, beans and curry and remove a prong from the plug of your phone charger. Don't be scared to discard a few items of dive gear (BCD, mask etc.) to make sure it all fits. To get yourself in the swing of things, domestically violence a pet on the way out.

Step 2: En Route

Drive to your destination on the right-hand side of the road, using your horn in place of a brake. If in doubt, drive like you would if you were playing Grand Theft Auto. If you're travelling by train, pretend that it arrived on time. Be sure to make loud jokes about being a terrorist whenever you cross a county border and then violate yourself with an internal cavity search.

Step 3: Arrival

Point out things that are the same as back in native Blighty. Point out things that are different (the location of McDonalds, for example). Point at people and laugh at their bizarre clothes and ridiculous faces.

Step 4: Develop an Illness

It goes without saying that you need to develop a stomach bug at the first available opportunity, preferably before you've even been shown your room. There's a good chance that the sanitation technology might be more advanced than it is overseas, so be ready to use a vast amount of paper in order to block the toilet. If you're unable to develop an allergy to anything, try to ensure that you sprain something at the very least and, wherever possible, get a wound infected. As with everything in life, massive quantities of alcohol will help ensure success.

Step 5: Learn the Lingo

Shout loudly and slowly in English when you attempt to communicate with the natives. Fail to understand anything they say in return. Try to learn "hello", and "your mother is a whore" in the local dialect and consistently mix them up.

Step 6: Money

Change all your cash into either Madagascan Ariary or the Albanian Lek. If it's an emergency and you really have to spend your way out of a tight spot, fall back on US dollars.

Step 7: Ahmed

Instantly forget the skipper's name and persistently refer to them as 'Ahmed'. Convincing yourself that their name actually is Ahmed will add some comedy confusion to the proceedings when they attempt to beat you to death with a spanner on day three.

Step 8: Exposure Protection

Dive in a pair of shorts and t-shirt only. When you're dragged from the water suffering from advanced hypothermia, claim you must have a touch of malaria and overdose on Larium.

Step 9: The Pipe of Peace

Dig out a local in the rough part of town and, in an attempt to cross cultural boundaries, smoke a shisha with them. Inadvertently go on a three day crack-cocaine bender and wind up in intensive care.
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Step 10: Foreign Divers

Complain about the Russian and Italian divers grabbing hold of the reef and killing the coral. Set an example to your fellow Britonians by steadfastly refusing to lay a finger on anything underwater. After being swept off a wreck in a seventy knot current, get picked up somewhere near Cape Verde.

Once your foreign adventure's over, some sort of cleansing process will be in order. If you haven't done so already, start by setting fire to your boat or hotel, and make your way directly to your nearest military base for a good, oldfashioned, radiation shower. Be sure to warn friends and family members of the devious, anti Englistic shenanigans of the locals and create a website of your experiences, demanding that the natives leave their own country in order to go back where they came from. Include a picture of yourself being attacked by a wild animal.
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