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by Jackie Barrie

Land (Open) Q1) What are the two most important things you need to breathe on land?

A) Lungs
B) Gills
C) A Scotch egg and a banana
D) Oxygen and hydrogen
E) Nitrogen and carbon dioxide

Q2) If a pint of beer is half full and you are twenty metres from the bar, do you:

A) Finish it and order another pint immediately
B) Finish it and wait for someone else to buy you a pint
C) Leave it and go home
D) Take it with you to the bar
E) None of the above

Q3) If you are Richard Branson and you are suspended from a fully-inflated balloon, ten metres above sea level, do you:

A) Ditch it in the sea
B) Fly it around the world
C) Give it to a small child as a present
D) Pop it with a pin
E) Sell it to someone for a vast profit
Balloon (Air, Hot) Q4) At what height do you get intoxicated most quickly?

A) 5 foot 2 inches
B) Lying prone on the floor
C) Standing at the bar
D) Up a lamp-post
E) Up Mount Everest

Q5) In which situation is the pressure greatest?

A) In bed with your lover when your partner comes home
B) Travelling on the London Underground in rush hour
C) At work when there's a deadline to meet and a TNT motorcycle courier is standing at your shoulder waiting
D) When you haven't got enough cash to pay the taxi fare and you're still two miles form home
E) When your in-laws are coming to stay for a week
The Underwater Channel
Cheese (Non-specific) Q6) Which is the most dense?

A) Jordan
B) Cheddar cheese
C) Gruyère cheese
D) 2x4 planking
E) Brazilian rainforest

Q7) Put these volumes in order of priority

A) Specific gravity of alcohol
B) Loudness of hi-fi system
C) The complete works of Shakespeare
D) The thump from someone else's annoying personal stereo on your preferred public transport system
E) The bubbles rushing past your ears when you clear your mask underwater
Q8) Tick as many ways as you can think of to improve the PADI Recreational Dive Planner

A) Bin it and buy a computer
B) Make it bigger and more colourful
C) Make it out of chocolate
D) Make the numbers bigger
E) Add an instruction manual

Q9) When should you perform a safety stop?

A) Before you put the condom on
B) Five minutes before you get in the water
C) When you've had eight pints and can only handle seven
D) At a red traffic light
E) When the nice policeman with the blue flashing light tells you to

Q10) What equipment do you need to wear when you're out of the water? (Tick all that apply)

A) Shoes and socks
B) Thermal undergarments
C) Overcoat, gloves and a hat
D) Louis Vuitton luggage set
E) A feather boa

Answers on a postcard please. Prizes will (not) be awarded.
KLJ Diver Travel

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