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Now that it's the future and we all live in space, things have changed for the irrevocable. Where once we lived in a world of consumption and smallpox, we now have measles, flesheating bugs and TB. But it's not all progress. Back in the olden days, hairy, intimidating men the size of small countries were able to operate profitable dive businesses from their own garages, whilst making inappropriate sexual remarks and pumping. In fact, many still do. But that ends here with the publication of this blueprint for the modern dive centre.


Britain is now so infested with crime that the only way to avoid being terrorised by a maniac with an axe as you walk down the street is to get yourself an axe and run down the street with it, terrorising passersby. So keep safe and build your walls out of Kevlar. RoboCop was made out of Kevlar. As for ceilings, open plan is the way forward. Give your dive store an edgy feel by having no roof and living with the elements.
Nautilus Lifeline


Must slide open like in Star Trek. Imagine that! You can't.

Visual Merchandising

The latest studies show that 86% of people first look to their right on entering a shop, therefore everything in your store must be on the right. Deter the other 14% of people by having something very frightening left of the door, like a poisonous snake, the crucifix scene from the Exorcist on repeat play, or a man with a machine gun firing wildly.


In terms of decor, retro is the new modern, so make sure you have plenty of posters of 20th Century icons like Gary Glitter nailed to your asbestos coated Kevlar walls.

Toilet facilities

These days it's quite acceptable to have unisex toilets in a commercial establishment, but with modern rental prices, it's also important to conserve space. Erect a single toilet in the middle of the shop floor surrounded by four clear glass windows instead of walls.

Tea and coffee

Your customers need to feel special, like the bouncing little miracles of life that they are, so offer them tea and coffee.

Chill out area

A few sofas and chairs with some Ibiza style beats will make for an excellent chill out area for the modern diver. If your customers are in a bit of a hurry, advise them to chill out anyway as they'll shortly be coming up on the massive dose of LSD you spiked their tea / coffee with.


Once everyone's settled in to the chill out area, start playing the modern alternative to music: chainsaws and screaming. Lock the doors and keep everyone entertained by throwing darts at them.


Train divers using only the masks with digital heads-up displays showing everyone's air to everyone on the dive. If someone gets low, programme the mask to alert all divers by flashing a strobe at various frequencies.


No, that's what DPVs are for.

Dive Knives

Replace with dive guns.


I know what you're thinking: "After the Abyss, gas seems so old-hat. Shouldn't we all be breathing liquid now?". Well, you're wrong. The Abyss is over 20 years old. These days, the only acceptable fill is solid air, chilled to -220°C and forced down the thorax with a hammer.


Make sure the pornography you have scattered around for the customers to browse through is hardcore enough for the modern audience and caters for all tastes. If in doubt, simply staple six or seven hundred pictures of male genitalia together.


Britain today is cosmopolitan and it's important that your store reflects this. Your staff don't need to be multilingual, just make sure that the one language they do speak is different to the one language every other member of staff speaks, none of which should be English.


The only mode of transport that befits the 21st Century is that rocket powered car which nearly killed Richard Hammond, driven down the only acceptable road: the information superhighway.


Have shop pets. It will endear everyone to the store and show that you're well versed in contemporary workplace practices by deliberately blurring the lines between 'home' and 'work'. The pets 'à la mode' are rats and cockroaches.

I've posted this to the EU so if you're a dive store owner, take heed and make sure you implement everything immediately before they make it a directive and move you into a toxic river so that they can knock your house down and build a diamond-encrusted palace for illegal immigrants whilst banning Christmas and decimalising old money. And if you're just an average, regular diver in Alarm Clock Britain, remember it's all about you. You the individual. You deserve nothing but the very best and better from your local dive store. So if it's not like the blueprint above, call the cops.
Aquamarine Silver

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