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Olympic Diving

Got my tickets for the Aquatorium this summer for London 2012. Imagine my excitement at seeing

the world’s best divers compete. Imagine my disappointment at the complete lack of BCDs, neoprene and fin pivoting. Just a bunch of teenagers hurling themselves into the water. Utter crap. It’s about time we “divers” reclaimed that word. We submerge ourselves for great lengths of time under the water. They just hurl themselves in, in rather a poncey way, and get out of the water damn fast. “Springboarding”, that’s what it is. Lord Coe... PADI have the patent on the word – diving. Better call your lawyers fast.

Fish Graffiti

For real. It exists. Went diving off a Belizean national park. There’s the usual collection of stingrays a hovering around the boats. But on closer inspection a few of them have “Paulo” and “Raymond” actually written on them. Ye Gods. Since when did fish get tattoos. Sorry - since when do divers forget the basic tenant. Take pictures, leave footprints. Yes, but not on the actual fish. Paulo, if you’re reading this... if you write your name across the back of a stingray... make sure you don’t have such a gay “nome de plonge”. Jacques and David are the only acceptable ones.

Resort Coursers

It’s great when you take your first tentative steps into our wet world. Most opt for the OWC or a BSAC beginner’s course. But some stinge-bags go for the $20 quickie, 5 minutes in a pool, then... hey you get buddied up with ME. I’ve just paid full whack for the dive, want to go deep, and then have to nurse maid you as you try to remember which button goes up on your BCD. Then I spend the next hour trying to keep you off the coral as your buoyancy is like a baby on one of those springy bouncers. I should like you as maybe one day you will do a proper course and become one of the cave diving greats. But then again, you probably won’t and will end up buying a jet-ski and killing a snorkeller. Suck it Resortie – and stay off my boat.

Dive Medical Books

Went on Amazon last week to get a book about dive medicine. When I read it, guess what? Yup, I had DCI. And a brain embolism with a skin bend too. Forgetting the fact that I have never been underwater, all I can put the symptoms down to is my extreme stupidity and gullibility. I let my mate read it, who is a diver, and now he reckons he has malaria... though he’s never been south of Macclesfield. These sort of books are a shocking disgrace. They should be banned.

FAQ Dive Medicine is available on Amazon. Only £8.95 to those with IQ’s above 100. Ed

Expensive Regs

Went on a dive trip with some la-di-dah Londoners last month. Get you and your poncey regs you lot. Dacor Knightriders. Apex PowerSlammers. Poseidon Ultraboys. 500 large a pop. How I laughed. Up at the East Stirlingshire ScotSAC we make our own. two foot of garden hose with the rose of a watering can plugged on the end. Use a Dyson handheld filter pad in it, and there’s a reg for under two pounds.

9am Dives

Frankly this time of dive should be made illegal. I’m on holiday for God’s sake. There’s a breakfast buffet with unlimited eating. Me and Baz the Buddy actually can do 2 tureens of sausage and bacon each. Not forgetting triple omelettes. All that happens is I feed the fish on the first dive followed by gastric reflux throughout the second. Is 11am so hard? That way I can digest the grub, satisfy the missus before she has to lie by the pool for 5 hours without me, and still have time to finish the Nesbo on the toilet before strapping on my tank. You all say that the weather is worse later, but I know you all want to get home early to watch Arabic Countdown. For shame.


Blocked P-valve. Flushback.

Bladder distension.

Kidneys explode.

Next time, just gonna fill my dry suit boots and keep my ankles warm at the same time.

That’ll save a few quid down the urologists and flowers to my ladywife as I persuade her to get a donor card.

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