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Your New-Age holistic homeopathic aromatherapeutic horrorscope by award-winning mystic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis. Brought to you in association with nuclear fission.
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Ruby del
Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis


Autumn will be an exciting time for Scorpions, as due to successful government information campaigns, 64% of the British population discover the crunchy critters are classed as arachnids and not insects. Less successful though is the Scorpio in love, not so much because of the sting in your tail but because of the foul smell emanating from your teeth and your misanthropic views regarding racial genocide. Try to avoid all diving activities during the week November 19 25 when the newly installed military junta will decree the breathing of compressed air a capital offence for anyone born between October 22nd and November 21st. Don't dive the following week either as spider-hating sharks will have it in for you due to confusion over the definition of arachnid.


Stay indoors on the afternoon of October 6th when due to weight concerns you stop obeying the laws of Newtonian physics and fall off the Earth. Further weight concerns make it advisable for you to avoid diving on December 14th and 15th, when your legs turn to solid lead. Tuesdays are the best time for any aquatic plans you might have as you will develop gills. Unfortunately, the gills will be on your inner thighs so you'll have to dive naked and, well, let's just leave it there. Financially though, this is the season for you as you will win the National Lottery jackpot on November 10th. Unfortunately, as approximately one twelfth of the population are Sagittarians, you will only win 1.29.


Due to an anomaly in the spacetime continuum, Capricorns will find themselves spending November 22nd in a Texas book-depository in 1963. Fortunately, the process will alter your atomic structure and you will evade suspicion from law enforcement agencies as you now resemble a delicious savoury snack. This will leave a hapless Lee Harvey Oswald alone to cry history's most famous dyslexic last words of "I'm a patsy!". Diving, on the other hand, will be a big no-no as questions are asked regarding your insolubility. After sleeping with the window open on December 12th, Capricorns will awake with a stiff neck and no memory of the concept of Jesus or Christianity. Obviously, this will dramatically transform the way you spend your Christmas period as you will have to watch Bond films with your head at a jaunty angle.
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