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London School Of Diving
I am a Dive Virgin

I have never Done It
Got wet down below
Put my mouth round a hard hose
Gave a snorkel a blow

I have never gone down
Never had a good suck
I know what I'm missing
And I don't give a fig

Those funny frog-people
In rubbery suits
With big flappy fin-feet
And stinky wet boots

Seem to spend so much time
Downloading their logs
Computing their data
(then eating like hogs)

And tossing their gas-tanks
And testing their regs
They're meant to stay sober
But they drink to the dregs

And as well we all know
To stay fit and alive
You must always remember
Do NOT drink and dive

Size isn't important
Or so I've been told
But they measure their width
In mills for the cold
They get in their wetsuits
And think they look slinky
But I'm quite suspicious
I think they're all kinky

Pierced ears seem important
Perhaps it's the weight
And tattoos on the skin
So they don't look like bait

And they get all excited
When they've seen an eel
Watched a wiggly worm field
Had a fish fingery feel

The only fish I like
Are those on my plate
Served covered in garlic
Coz that's their best fate

These divers they told me
They'd just fed a ray
A manta, a stinger
As for me no way

I don't want to feed one
Might bite off my hand
But if I did feed one
It would be on dry land

Off out in a boat
And then jump in the sea
That might suit some strange folk
It'll never suit me

They take a giant stride
Then they're off down below
Into the water
Where noone should go
It just isn't natural
This hobby of theirs
Why can't they stay up here
And breathe uncanned air

Their gear is quite heavy
And not very cheap
And they really don't need it
Just don't go so deep

You can stay on the surface
And swim if you wish
You can look at a picture
If you want to see fish

It's dangerous down there
You might get the bends
Your buddy can't help you
And nor can your friends

We're not meant to go there
It makes me quite narked
There are fish that can kill us
Like giant squid and sharks

Eat fish as your brain food
Not t'other way round
Don't let them eat your brain
Stay put on the ground

I just don't want to do it
Too many exams
I'll sit here on the shore
Eating mussels and clams

After a whole week of dive talk
You'll catch it
And before you know it
You've booked up for Datchet

Don't phone me tomorrow
I'm off for a drift
And a hover, no bovver
Just give me a lift

To carry my dive bag
I'd like a good caddy
But that's one invention
You don't get with PADI

Don't phone me the next day
I'm doing my nav
You topsiders don't know
What fun I will have

I'm under the water
It's awesome you know
The reincarnation
Of Jackie Cousteau

I've seen big fish and small fish
And medium too
Looked into a cave
And there's lots more to do

I've done open water and
I want to learn faster
By the end of next week
I will be a dive master

I was a dive virgin
Now I'm a dive tart
I've weed in my wetsuit for warmth
for a start
I was a dive virgin
But now I feel shagged
It wasn't the dive
It was humping the bag!

© Jackie Barrie

Written before she learnt to dive in Tenerife. Jackie is now an MSD
Denney Diving
Feeling inspired? Why not write to us yourself? We'll put the best letters up here and in our next issue.

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