Issue 5 Horrorscopes from the Archives of the London Diver Magazine

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19 April 2024

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ISSUE 5 ARCHIVE - HORRORSCOPES Let fate decide what's in store for you this winter, or more specifically, let Britain's vaguest psychic, Ruby del Pyramid-Scheme UFO, BSE, of Atlantis make the decision by interpreting how giant balls of gas, rock and plasma affect the chances of you and one twelfth of the global population being visited by a wealthy old friend. Bringing you back to the Dark Ages in association with CERN “The End is Nigh” and in league with The Devil^TM.
	Scorpio Due to astrological budget cuts, the lives of Scorpios are due to be downsized this winter, so for the rest of this autumn you'd be well advised to make the most of life's little luxuries like friends, family, loved ones, employment, clothing, shelter and mental faculties. Don't let being a lonely, propertyless, mindless automaton get you down though as your lack of reason to live will make way for brand new luxury life facilities for Geminis who are due to be upgraded to fabulous new homes, jobs, partners and exciting and influential friends. Better still, you could also find your miserable existence being the subject of a new reality TV show, broadcast directly onto expensive new HD plasma TVs for the amusement of Geminis the length and breadth of the land. If all of this does become too much for you and you contemplate taking your own life, please do try to spare a thought for viewing figures and make it as spectacular as possible.
Sagittarius Sagittarians will find autumn to be an extremely busy time of the year as they go about foraging for nuts in preparation for the coming winter. This activity has become increasingly important in recent years as homeowners have found ever more elaborate ways to protect the nuts and other delicious morsels they leave out especially for birds. Whilst this time may seem hectic and a little overwhelming, don't be perturbed as come winter you'll spend the majority of your time sleeping in your nest, snuggled up to your friends and family for warmth, and occasionally feasting on the nut supply you have hoarded. Even so, remember to be especially vigilant at this time as hibernating will make you particularly vulnerable to cats, foxes and other predators. Please note: The stars may have a different influence on Sagittarians who are not squirrels.
Capricorn A humdrum autumn day beginning with a mild act of sloth when Capricorns refuse to give up their tube seat for an elderly person turns far more profound, as they return home and find God. It appears He had been hiding at the back of the bread-bin behind a particularly rigid species of roll for the last two millennia, having taken time off from human affairs due to exhaustion, apathy and what He described as food poisoning but many suspect was actually a hangover. Joy at this unexpected find soon turns to dismay, however, as it transpires the God in question is the vengeful Old Testament one and not the more fashionable and forgiving New Testament deity. He strikes you down for being a bit funny-looking and it's at that point that you really begin to regret your earlier laziness. Upon reviewing your entire existence it transpires that up until the tube incident, the ethical balance of your life was in exact equilibrium as you had done precisely as many good things as bad. Unfortunately, your selfishness with the seat gives God no choice other than to judge you morally unsound and cast you into the fires of Hell, where, irritatingly, you will be tortured mercilessly and without limit for all eternity. Things are more irritating still for one particular Capricorn born on December 25th who, upon discovering God in the bread-bin, now finds himself with the embarrassing task of explaining to his father a) what he's been up to for the last 2,000 years, b) why the world is in such a state, and c) why Manchester United are allowed to win trophies. Unfortunately for the deities in particular, Capricorns in general and life on the whole, the juxtaposition of two omnipotent forces provokes an insoluble logical paradox and the universe winks out of existence to be replaced by repeats of snooker on BBC2.
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