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Guns, explosions, swearing, and dramatic loss of limb: this is what we demand from life and if there was even a chance we wouldn't get it, we wouldn't bother to get out of bed of an afternoon. Unfortunately, random, chaotic violence has a tendency to be rather dull, and today's thrill-seeker is looking increasingly towards the world of the mundane to get their kicks, and for divers, the intoxicating high of safety is a way of life.

There was a time when the best way to ensure safety underwater was to be well trained, use the correct, properly serviced equipment, and to dive conservatively, well within your limits. There was also a time when 50 pence would buy 807 pints and four billion cigarettes, but it was ages ago and probably made up by your parents. However, as usual, Rob is at the rescue: safety junkies need not fear having to use their brain because I've saved you the bother by working out the three simplest and most effective ways to improve your well being on a dive, and the best thing is you can use them all ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE, by sending me £5 every time you try one:

1) Surveillance.

The height of japery on the London Underground these days is to juxtaposition an announcement about how you must "report suspicious behaviour to a policeman, member of staff, robot or child" with the words: "For your safety and security, CCTV cameras are in operation in this station". This explains the slightly eccentric commuter habit of periodically throwing themselves under trains: they couldn't help it because the cameras were switched off. It also explains how a few weeks ago, I was able to preserve London's sanitary aspect by standing on the river wall of the Southbank and urinating into the Thames at three in the morning (I was inexplicably in a state of some confusion) without coming to any harm. Since I was at the time directly opposite the Houses of Parliament, my actions would've been viewed through 163 CCTV camera lenses and the sights of at least fourteen sub-machine guns; under such safety and security, it was therefore literally impossible for me to fall in. Thus, if you ensure that there is a camera on you and your buddy for every second of your dive and every moment of your life before and afterwards, I personally guarantee you will live forever (or your money back).

2) Pre-emptive violence.

These days, made-up statistics show a 70% likelihood that you'll know the person that kills you underwater. Basically, it's your buddy: you've probably just married them and they're after your insurance; or you're having some manner of business dispute with them which is boring them to the point that it's preferable for them just to hasten your immortal soul into the next realm (the Shopping Channel) rather than spend another second discussing it; or they're merely just sick of the way you start sentences with the words "At the end of the day" when you want what follows to sound better informed than the half-considered drivel that it is. At the end of the day, your buddy's out to get you and history (actually, better than that: American film) dictates that the best form of defence is attack. Pre-emptive, unprovoked, random and unnecessarily violent attack is, of course, the safest method, but for the freedom-hating hippie types amongst you, why not just make sure you're always better prepared? For instance, if they have a dive knife, carry a machete; if they're using a reel with line, make sure yours is wound with piano wire: it's called an arms race. They were very popular during the cold war and they're the reason the world is now such a safe place to live in.

3) Prophylaxis.

Ensure you're well protected in order to prevent the transmission of children. Medical science is still unsure what children are for, but the latest anecdotal evidence indicates their primary function is to administer stress to their parents. Underwater, stress leads to confusion, confusion leads to mistakes, mistakes lead to the Darkside, and the Darkside is very hazardous due to poor-quality lighting. Children are dangerous, smelly and about as clever as a chimpanzee, so always, always use a condom: even when you're not having sex (but not when you're having a wee).

Now that you've overdosed on the thrill of safety and are doubtless choking on great, thick chunks of it in the local A&E whilst being pumped full of tranquilisers, what are you going to do? Remember: you're probably going to live indefinitely now, so it's important to ensure your newly earned life units are used wisely doing things like eating crisps and not frittered away on TV and haircuts. However, on no account must you live every moment like it's your last, or you will be quickly apprehended for being a sex pest.
Travelling Diver

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