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Auntie Toomer

ISSUE 7 ARCHIVE - PAUL TOOMER, AGONY AUNT

Whatever your problem, Auntie Toomer is here to help you out...

Q: hi i am 15 nearly 16. i am a virgin but i have loads of spots on my penis, mainly under the foreskin right at the back. some i can see through the skin. i also have just got a small scab thing about half way up my penis. is this a co-inserdence? should i take a test? am i old enough? can I dive? im just too embarrased to go to a doctor about it!
thanks
OonasDivers
A: Hi there mate,
This seems like quite a personal matter so I am going to try and be as gentle as possible with you. I have decided that rather than have you nameless, I shall call you Rob. You see, my friend Rob used to live in Egypt and really had a thing for camels, I'm sure you can see the relevance.

So let's get to the crux of the matter here.

My first bit of advice is to keep this very quiet this is a bit like the man that went to sleep and woke to find his favourite cigar case had mysteriously managed to find it's way up his bottom. It's obvious that he must have rolled onto it during the night and not noticed it gently easing its way up his bum. Sounds feasible to me. Happens all the time I'm told.

So, Rob, I am going to take a stab in the dark here, I'm guessing you like peanut butter don't you? What you really like doing is watching Jessica Alba in that brilliant (should have won an Oscar) diving movie while you insert your old pimpled friend into a fresh tub of Sun Pat Chunky!

I do believe that this condition can be solved either by the embarrassment of seeing your doctor, or by following your dreams and taking up scuba. Option one seems to frighten you so let's concentrate on option two. You are old enough at 15 and there is nothing on the medical that mentions penis sores.

I would find a scuba school that uses a really chlorinated pool. The easy way to spot this? All their kit will be grey or brown and all the instructors will have frizzy orange hair. My idea is that you do all your pool training wearing only a speedo, this will allow the chlorine full access to your "bell" area and we may get some of the pimples and scabs removed. However, they may become open sores, but fear not. Your Open Water dives MUST take place in seawater, here you will find the salt will start to purify and heal all the damaged areas. If however there is no improvement I suggest you get "separated" from your group (obviously only when qualified), find a cleaning station, rip down your tweeds and let the cleaner wrasse and shrimps do their job.

If you find this all too daunting then a trip down your high street to your local GP is your only other option and God forbid your GP is a she!

I hope my expert advice is of help.
If you've got a problem, and if we can find him, maybe you should email Auntie Toomer. You might also like to check out The Diving Matrix. Adventure Divers La Manga

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