Issue 9 Are You In Control? from the Archives of the Tanked Up Magazine

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24 April 2024

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ISSUE 9 ARCHIVE - ARE YOU IN CONTROL?
You think you're in control: we've all seen you making snap decisions and using a stern voice; but are you really? Are you? Really? Are you sure? Really? Take this quiz to finally find out: Q1) Airway Control So far so good at Heathrow airport: you've paid the £350 excess you owe an Australian airline for taking a dive bag onto the flight and have been refused a special meal because they don't believe you're vegetarian. But instead of handing you a boarding card, the check-in desk representative laughingly informs you that they won't let you onto the flight because they think your holiday in Thailand is too long and invents something to do with visas as justification. How do you react? A) Mention that you've been to Thailand a few times before and the concept of them refusing entry because you might stay there too long and spend too much money is patently ridiculous. Point out that in any case, immigration is your concern unless the airline would like to carry a couple of bags through customs for you as well. B) Purchase a brand new return ticket at the special 450% airport rate and allow the rep to sexually assault you in exchange for the boarding pass. C) Pull out a handgun, shoot the rep in the head, and attempt to reach the plane by force in order to hijack it. This could take a while as it departs from Gate 6,742 which is in Wiltshire. Q2) Clutch Control You are teaching the Advanced Open Water Deep Dive in murky conditions when one of your students begins to look anxious. Fearing a panicked ascent, you grab a hold of them and..? A) Establish eye contact and help them restore a calm breathing pattern. Get ready to dump the air from both BCDs and act as ballast just in case. Bring the group a little shallower where conditions are better but maintain a reassuring grip on the anxious student until they realise the dive is within their capabilities. B) Take their mind off the bad vis by removing their mask and power-inflating their BCD. C) Prevent a lung-overexpansion injury by repeatedly punching the student in the stomach to wind them. In the event that they actually try to make an ascent, double the frequency and force of your blows.
Q3) Mind Control During a trip to Sharm, you find yourself buddied with hapless TV psychic Derek Acorah. Unfortunately, it's only after you've revealed that your first pet, Rocky, was an Alsatian which drowned when you were six, that you realise who he is. Strong currents on Ras Mohammed separate you from the rest of the group and it's at this point that Derek takes it upon himself to become possessed by the spirit of Rocky and attempts to tell you by barking in German that he has always watched over you. What do you do? A) Treat Derek as you would any diver apparently suffering from severe nitrogen narcosis and bring him to increasingly shallow depths until the effect wears off. End the dive if necessary. B) Greet Rocky in a depressingly credulous and over-emotional fashion by sobbing away all your air and filling your mask with snot and tears. C) Refuse to be out-clairvoyanced and spend the remainder of the dive trying to free Derek from the spirit of Rocky by barking an exorcism ritual in Latin. D) Switch off Derek's air until he stops it. Q4) Remote Control During a trip up to Scapa, Chastity Rail cancel several trains for their own amusement, leaving you and your dive club stranded on a platform somewhere in the East Midlands badlands. What do you do? A) Try to arrange some alternative transport. If all else fails, seek lodgings for the night and resume the journey the following day, whilst composing a sternly-worded complaint to the train company in your head. B) Abandon the group and go native. Six years later, the army is sent in to retrieve you after a relative spots you working in a branch of Greggs, speaking with an unfashionable accent and wearing unconvincing clothes. C) Head off a Lord of the Flies type situation by taking charge of the group yourself and executing anyone with dangerous leadership ambitions. Q5) Disease Control During a first aid course, you notice that one of the participants consistently forgets to wipe the CPR dummy clean with a sterile swab after their go. How do you approach the situation? A) Make a joke of it. These things need some humour to lighten them up anyway and it should be enough to remind your co-participant in future, but keep an eye out just in case. B) Fake a heart attack to get out of further participation. Make sure you don a pocket mask beforehand and choose a clean area of floor to collapse on. Once revived, ensure you're clear of infection by checking yourself into hospital quarantine for six months of investigative blood tests, lumbar punctures and chest X-rays. C) Prove that it's virtually impossible for infection to spread from CPR by licking the face of the dummy. Expand your theory into more controversial territory by injecting yourself with HIV to prove that AIDS is a myth. Make a film to this effect and embark on a lucrative, worldwide promotional tour. Die of AIDS.
Q6) Cruise Control A member of your dive club confesses to having taken part in a personality test organised by a wacky pseudoreligious science-fiction-based sect. What is your approach? A) Treat it as a bit of fun and give them a well-deserved ribbing for it. Your dive club friend isn't suffering from depression or chronic low self-esteem or anything, so it's unlikely they'll take it further. Perhaps email them some anti-cult info in a light-hearted way, just in case. B) Join the cult and use the next club night as a platform to insist everyone else does as well, or you'll never speak to them again. C) Nip the situation in the bud by locking them in your basement for four months and applying some militarystyle anti-brainwashing techniques you read about on the internet, mostly involving physical torture whilst reciting long passages of The God Delusion to them from a pulpit and playing static in the background. Q7) Self Control You're on a liveaboard with a particularly attractive dive guide. How do you make your affections known? A) Play it cool and see if the guide shows any signs of being interested as the week develops. If they do, flirt slightly to see what happens, otherwise just enjoy the diving. B) Refuse to acknowledge their presence at any point during the week and once back in Blighty maintain a hermetic existence for at least fourteen years. Write them a quick note in 2027 offering to kill yourself if they don't marry you. Don't wait for a response. C) Make sure you're as close as possible and stare fixedly at them at all times. Attempt to grope them no more than three or four times a day and physically attack anyone else that tries to engage them in conversation. Bombard them with sordid emails for the rest of your life. Q8) Buoyancy Control It's your first trip to the Red Sea. On the first day, your guide asks you to respect the coral by exercising good buoyancy control. As all your previous diving has been the English Channel, dragging-yourself-along-a-wreck-in-a- 40-knot-current variety, what steps will you follow? A) Take in the breathtaking scenery whilst practising a few hovers on the first couple of dives and try to make sure there's nothing but sand beneath you until you've got the hang of it. B) Add 14 kilos of lead to your weightbelt and smash straight through the first available coral head on each dive. Use your fins to kick only the most pristine patches of reef to pieces and in lieu of available portholes, demonstrate your mastery of mallet and chisel by hacking off the head of a turtle as a souvenir. C) Punch the guide in the face before following option B).
Q9) Berth Control It's your honeymoon and you arrive on a Maldivian liveaboard with your new spouse, only to find that some bloke has already taken the luxury 'Couple's Cabin' which you booked. What do you do? A) Assume that the man has made a mistake and mention your booking to him. In the unlikely event that he refuses to change rooms, explain the situation to one of the crew members. B) Grab hold of the man's ankles and sob uncontrollably. When he asks, refuse to tell him what the problem is, but insist that your spouse shares the luxury cabin with this stranger. When they refuse, ensure the man understands the consequences of his actions by filing for divorce immediately. C) Begin by setting fire to the man's dive gear. As he tries to extinguish the flames, break into his room and throw his belongings into the sea. If he dares to complain, try to break his trachea by karate chopping him in the throat. Q10) Border Control You're attempting to enter the United States of Doodle-Doo at Houston Incontinental airport and the immigration officer wants to know why you have so many Egyptian stamps in your passport. How do you respond? A) Explain that as a keen diver you've taken many holidays to the Red Sea. This may entail having to explain what diving is, what a holiday is, what the Red Sea is and that Egypt is near to bits of it, but you'll get there in the end after a minimal number of internal cavity searches and private interviews/ waterboarding. B) Break down and admit that you went to Egypt for the annual Coca-Cola sponsored terrorist conference and that you're in the US purely to distribute crack and plant bombs, even though none of this is true. Add that you're a homosexual communist and think the Bushes are morons. C) Saunter past the immigration guard by using the Jedi mind-trick. When you get dragged back, demand loudly and angrily to be let into 'this f*ing colony' and when that fails, turn violent and attack the immigration officer with a flurry of what you imagine to be kung-fu style kicks. Score one point for every A) or D), a hat-trick for every B) and a hundred points for every C). How did you do? Less than ten hundred points: You have similar control skills to a broken daddylonglegs, but with less charisma, looks and eloquence. Mostly hat-tricks: Unfortunately, all your hat-tricks are own goals and last week you accidentally set fire to your dad. Ten hundred points:** You are someone that has a firm grip on things. Things like mashed potato, sea-urchins and goolies. The sooner you start running the world and keeping the foreigners out the better, so get a letter written to the Queen now.
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